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Friday, 30 December 2011

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Last year I was massive, I even didn't know for certain if Ryanair would let me fly to see my family for Christmas because It was very obvious I was very pregnant... they not only let me flight then but later on January when I went back home to give birth to Estella three weeks after.

I remember New Year's eve as one of the happiest days that year, so full of promise in the future. We had a party at our flat in Spain, the only night I can be the hostess, and Tom and I bought far too many sweeties, and one year more the vegs where cold, but nobody would tell me because is very bad taste upseting a massive, hormonal pregnant woman. My resolutions were simple, 1. Become the best mum I could possibly be 2. Loose all the weigh I got before the Summer 3. Stop getting bothered about the future.

In february Estella was born, in April we went back to Uk, later that month She was diagnosed with SMA and although I tried to deny the evidence my time with her was running out. In June I had to rush Estella to ICU where we spent the next 2 months... no need to say my second resolution came to nothing thanks to the hospital food. In September we went for a week respite to Bluebell Wood that became two months. In November Estella left, leaving my lap and my heart empty, and she took also my 3rd resolution because ever since all I wonder is how to face a future without her in it.

I have spent all Dicember trying to be "normal", trying not to be an object of pity, trying to smile as much as I could, trying to be the best mum I could be. I have learnt lots about my strenght and about people's generosity, and I keep on learning everyday to smile because it happened instead of crying because is over as Dr Seuss, Estella's favourite writer, said. Some people would say that that mania of me to talk to her pictures, putting fresh flowers near her, lighting candles, burning incense and singing "Cabaret" everytime I feel sad is insane and that I'm in denial, maybe they are right, but you see? there's no word for a mother who loses her child because she is always a mum, and that is my way of showing it.

2011 Started with Estella inside me, in my womb and it finishes with Estella inside me, in my memories and my heart. I can't answer about how this year was, I always say the same "strange" it gave me the biggest happiness and the biggest misery and in betweens good and bad days. A part of me wants it to be over and another doesn't know how to let go the one and only year that my Star, mi Estrella, saw. I am not a very religious person but every night I say my prayers and they are always the same, Let be my family healthy, Let Estella be happy wherever she is and if possible send me a sign every now and then and let me hug her again when I die.

In the meantime I have to keep on living, because i promised her and because I wouldn't be a good mum if I gave up in the future, that is the best present for our children (even when I'm childless)

So here there are my New Year's Resolutions:

1. SMASH SMA and if I can't this year at least kick it in the balls (sorry)
2. Look at the Future without fear but with hope, getting the best of the gift of live.
3. Loosing the weight I piled on this year... (this is the first resolution that will go down the gutter)

To all of you, have a happy 2012, full of adventures and dreams, and if you have 30 secs please keep on signing the petition so I can futfill my first resolution

All the best

Estella's mum

Monday, 26 December 2011

... and winter came

We always said Estella was a Summer child so it was obvious she wouldn't stay to see snow.
She was born in Seville, where oranges grow wild on the streets and all you can smell in the Spring is orange blossom. The day she came into the world was sunny, and warm. It was a massive thing as she was my parents' first grandchild and they had been working more than 25 years in the hospital she was born, she was everybody's child. Presents, flowers, embroided bibs, cards... you name it and she had two :)
We had 8 weeks of happiness, 11 days of future in uk, and then the diagnose, and then the choices. And we chose, I chose. To live Estella's life with a smile making each day count, to start writing a blog full of hope wishing for a miracle, to grab each second of her life and make it meaningful. In that way this blog was born as Estella, happy.
I remember in the hospital the jokes with the consultants "C... are you going to section me today?" because most people thought I was in denial as I wouldn't stop smiling, even once I had to explain that was my choice as I would have time to be sad for the rest of my life.
And one November afternoon the rest of my life arrived. Estella died in my arms while I said to her how much I loved her. 8 months 19 days of wisdom, happiness, goodness. And I learnt I don't have the rest of my life to be sad, I choose to keep on smiling to keep on going. The days of fighting for my daughter's life are over but not the days fighting for other kids' lives, and their families, and my own family. My parents who lost their only grandchild, my husband and myself.
I choose, as I did that time months ago, love and laughter to honour Estella's life and all she taught me, and, once again, there are dear friends who want to section me because they think I didn't come to terms with the lost.
I did and I choose not to loose the smile.
This blog doesn't intend to equal Tom's, he really can write, I'm just a mum trying to make sense of the nonsense of SMA.
And I believe we can win the war. I believe we can SMASH SMA. Maybe this deserves to get me sectioned, after all one of my favourite movies is One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
99,233 signatures to go x