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Friday, 30 December 2011

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

Last year I was massive, I even didn't know for certain if Ryanair would let me fly to see my family for Christmas because It was very obvious I was very pregnant... they not only let me flight then but later on January when I went back home to give birth to Estella three weeks after.

I remember New Year's eve as one of the happiest days that year, so full of promise in the future. We had a party at our flat in Spain, the only night I can be the hostess, and Tom and I bought far too many sweeties, and one year more the vegs where cold, but nobody would tell me because is very bad taste upseting a massive, hormonal pregnant woman. My resolutions were simple, 1. Become the best mum I could possibly be 2. Loose all the weigh I got before the Summer 3. Stop getting bothered about the future.

In february Estella was born, in April we went back to Uk, later that month She was diagnosed with SMA and although I tried to deny the evidence my time with her was running out. In June I had to rush Estella to ICU where we spent the next 2 months... no need to say my second resolution came to nothing thanks to the hospital food. In September we went for a week respite to Bluebell Wood that became two months. In November Estella left, leaving my lap and my heart empty, and she took also my 3rd resolution because ever since all I wonder is how to face a future without her in it.

I have spent all Dicember trying to be "normal", trying not to be an object of pity, trying to smile as much as I could, trying to be the best mum I could be. I have learnt lots about my strenght and about people's generosity, and I keep on learning everyday to smile because it happened instead of crying because is over as Dr Seuss, Estella's favourite writer, said. Some people would say that that mania of me to talk to her pictures, putting fresh flowers near her, lighting candles, burning incense and singing "Cabaret" everytime I feel sad is insane and that I'm in denial, maybe they are right, but you see? there's no word for a mother who loses her child because she is always a mum, and that is my way of showing it.

2011 Started with Estella inside me, in my womb and it finishes with Estella inside me, in my memories and my heart. I can't answer about how this year was, I always say the same "strange" it gave me the biggest happiness and the biggest misery and in betweens good and bad days. A part of me wants it to be over and another doesn't know how to let go the one and only year that my Star, mi Estrella, saw. I am not a very religious person but every night I say my prayers and they are always the same, Let be my family healthy, Let Estella be happy wherever she is and if possible send me a sign every now and then and let me hug her again when I die.

In the meantime I have to keep on living, because i promised her and because I wouldn't be a good mum if I gave up in the future, that is the best present for our children (even when I'm childless)

So here there are my New Year's Resolutions:

1. SMASH SMA and if I can't this year at least kick it in the balls (sorry)
2. Look at the Future without fear but with hope, getting the best of the gift of live.
3. Loosing the weight I piled on this year... (this is the first resolution that will go down the gutter)

To all of you, have a happy 2012, full of adventures and dreams, and if you have 30 secs please keep on signing the petition so I can futfill my first resolution

All the best

Estella's mum

6 comments:

  1. Beautiful. You are SO inspiring. I have been sharing your story on FB and twitter. You WILL fulfil all your resolutions and achieve great things, you have a twinkling star who will continue to motivate you. Big LOVE and keep STRONG. You are truly AMAZING. Lou xxxxxxx

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  2. And we will be with you all the way, holding your hand ( that way I can't be feeding my face either!) and smashing SMA!
    You are not alone- you have touched our hearts and we want to fight with you!

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  3. That was beautiful. You are a great mother, and there's no higher compliment than that. Stay strong and may next New Year's Eve you have some happy new goals and events to celebrate, like smashing SMA!

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  4. Beautiful. Estella will be very proud of you and muppet daddy. You've touched so many people in so many ways and raised awareness, especially with me, which is one person more than before!! We will keep campaigning and smash SMA together.
    Happy new year xxxxx

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  5. from one mum to another - I can understand so well there are no words or thoughts to help explain why you need to do what you do to cope with losing your beautiful star. Just keep doing it, knowing Estella is always in your heart. I wish I could give you a mum-to-mum hug. God bless, and just keep going xxx

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